Bestselling author Ted Fishman contributed new verses to Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern Major-General" for our recent concerts, A Night at the Opera. In case you missed a word or two, here they are!
My iPhone 8 phonates in French, my car intones like Judy Dench,
My PayPal can rupees dispense, YouTube taught me the Allen wrench
I am serene assembling IKEA’s (BJORNFLUNG) FJÄLKINGE bench
When Uber’s late I send it hence because I am an Übermensch.
I’m well aware a cappella’s more than doo wop and barbershop,
that on Broadway founding fathers are beatboxers who sing hiphop,
I can manage without orchestra in Wagner’s Lohengrin,
In Nessun Dorma I can be a Chinese prince in Italian!
CHORUS: In Nessun Dorma he can be a Chinese prince in Italian...”)
Then I can order sushi by their names ichthyologically,
Because I have an app that augments my brain technologically.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
In fact, when I know what is meant by “fake-ed news”; “debate-ed views,”
When I flip cable channels ‘tween O’Reilly reds and Maddow blues,
When such affairs as Wikileaks and testy Tweets I’m wary at,
And when I know if China gets the welcome mat or baseball bat,
When I help Madigan and Rauner act less like begrudge-ed pills,
When I have learnt how Illinois can pass in-balance budget bills:
Since I don’t see much relevance in data sets or news events,
You’ll say I’d make an able aide to state leaders and presidents!
CHORUS: You’ll say he’d make an able aid to state leaders and presidents…
All my cultural literacy is gained from friends who think like me,
and my knowledge of the law comes from Judge Judy on TV;
At base I am an animal, as brainy as a mackerel,
I am a major model of a very modern imbecile.
CHORUS: At base he is an animal, as brainy as mackerel He is a major model of a very modern imbecile.